Aging relatives could be hiding their frailty
I have a client who is in her early 90s and lives independently in a senior apartment living complex. She pays her bills, buys her groceries, showers regularly and cleans her home daily. At least that is what she will tell you if you ask her.
Recently, I scheduled an appointment with her to drop off a small bistro table for her patio. At one period in her life, she was a nun and continues to live by a vow of poverty, spending only enough money to survive. She had completely forgotten that I was coming, even after two reminder phone calls. Once I arrived, I spent the afternoon helping her organize the patio, tossing trash, and putting items away to make space for the new furniture.
When we shifted into the home, I discovered it was a complete mess, just like the patio. Papers were stacked a foot high on the kitchen table, flowers were sitting in vases of rancid water, the kitchen cabinets were sparsely filled and the bathroom was filthy. The overall living conditions were not acceptable. I helped take a few items to the trash bin outside, vacuumed the carpet and took many mental notes.
As soon as I left, I reached out to her only local family member and explained what I had observed. We had a difficult, lengthy conversation discussing how her loved one has reached a point where she needs additional assistance. We brainstormed until we had a plan in place that seemed to address the current situation.
It is difficult for most people to notice and accept the subtle changes in their loved one’s behavior that indicate that they may need additional assistance. Usually, the elderly person will not ask for help, knowing that they may be losing their cherished independence.
For the caregiver, acknowledging these changes pushes the awareness that our loved one is not immortal to the surface, reminding them that death is looming in the future. Sometimes family members believe they have failed because their loved one cannot live independently. The logical side of us knows that this is not true. Unfortunately, our emotions can interfere with our ability to accept that change must occur.
I did notice several signs that perhaps by themselves would have gone unnoticed but combined were a red flag. The signs were:
Forgetfulness: Recently, I have observed that this client is more forgetful than in the past. If we are scheduling a meeting, I ask her to grab a pencil and write down the meeting date and time. Sometimes she calls me several times before the meeting because she knows it exists but cannot recall when it is.
Disorganized, dirty home: My client has always lived a simple life, living in a clean, tidy home. However, because of her age, she had reached the point where doing laundry is physically difficult and where scrubbing the shower and changing her sheets is impossible. When I visited her home, it was a mess.
Lack of personal hygiene: My first observation when I arrived at her home was her appearance, and I immediately wondered if she was bathing. I peeked into her bathroom to observe if it was even feasible for her to bathe. It was not; the tub is about 16 inches high, which would be an obstacle for her to climb over. Her clothes did not fit and were secured by what appeared to be a man’s belt. This was not the typical outfit of a blouse and pants that she had worn for years. She almost looked as if she were homeless.
Minimal groceries: The kitchen cabinets were bare. I noticed a few Top Ramen containers of noodles. The refrigerator was sparsely stocked as well. The stove was piled with objects, and the counters were cluttered with stuff. Cooking any type of meal was not happening in that kitchen. In fact, reading instructions and opening certain types of food containers were probably not occurring either.
Consumed by loneliness: COVID-19 has been paralyzing for this individual; she is terribly lonely. Her local family member has not been able to visit since March due to health risks. She is possibly depressed due to the lack of social connections.
After I reflected on these observations, it was clear that additional assistance was needed. At this point, it seems that my client does not need round-the-clock care but would benefit from in-home assistance. She needs someone to help with meal preparation, laundry and bathing.
So initially, an in-home care company was vetted and contracted to provide two days of service. Additionally, a house cleaner was hired to clean the apartment and change the sheets weekly. Meals on Wheels now provides one freshly prepared meal a day. The family member, who also is the agent for the power of attorney and trustee for the trust, understands that she needs to provide oversight and possibly assist with the finances.
The most difficult and important step in this type of scenario is accepting the fact that a loved one is aging and needs additional help. Most likely, they are not going to admit that they are having a difficult time. It is possible that they may even tell little white lies to cover up the truth.
Look for signs that they may need assistance, brainstorm for solutions, and offer to help. If you feel frustrated because of the necessary changes, place this aside. Remember, we begin our life needing a caregiver and often end our life needing a caregiver. It is the circle of life.
Teri Parker is vice president for CAPTRUST Financial Advisors. She has practiced in the field of financial planning and investment management since 2000. Reach her via email at Teri.parker@captrustadvisors.com.
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